Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I think it's because...

"So, can you, um....."
"Hey Andrew, can you do the, um, the...."
"Ella, did you get the the the...."
"Noah, where did you put, um..."
"Does anyone know what...."

That's right. I didn't finish my sentences. Seems to be a regular occurrence with me. It is driving my kids CRAZY!

So, I can't blame it on pregnancy brain. I don't have toddlers anymore, so probably not accurate to blame "Mommy Brain".  I am forty years old...but I think it is a little early to be blaming this issue on age. I am blaming it on TRANSITION.

Let me tell you friends, TRANSITION is no joke! My mind is in a million different places at once. (Ok, as a female, it is often in about 100,000 places but still...). I am not sure I can explain it all! It is a bizarre phenomenon. I even spell simple, often-used words incorrectly. I tried to do a little research about it. I didn't come up with much. Perhaps there is a neuro-scientist out there that wants to study the effects of cross-cultural re-entry on the brain--and for an added level of study--the female brain in particular!

I have been far less organized than usual (some of you may be giggling with delight over this!) My house is a M-E-S-S most of the time thanks to my (and everyone's) inability to completely finish a task. Here are some pictures (read totally revealing photos) to prove it and subsequently thrust me into a full-blown 'smashing the pride' moment. [Ok, granted, to defend myself, we have very little furniture or practical methods of organization. The majority of what we own right now is Rubbermaid bins. I use a Rubbermaid bin as my bedside table, file cabinet, desk and shoe bin. Jeff is using a plastic bag as a sock drawer.]

The state of my bedroom (and house at large) on any given moment. 

Life in transition. It is messy. REALLY MESSY--physically and emotionally. My mind is still processing our departure from Nicaragua. I have many default instincts based on living in a tropical country for five years. (I checked my shoes for cockroaches the other day--I have yet to see anything more than tiny house spiders in our home--not too many insects live at 7200 feet.) I am still processing our arrival to Colorado. It is a totally new place for us and I am still in a bit of 'awe' that we live here. I've made more U-turns than I'd like to admit. The GPS has had to 'recalculate' quite often.  In fact, I talk to myself about directions while I am driving. Andrew finally said the other day while driving with me, "Mom, are you talking to ME and asking ME questions? Or are you JUST talking to YOURSELF?!? Because I can't tell and it is starting to frustrate me!"

Transition has also zapped me of much of my creativity, as well as my humor. I WANT to blog about our re-entry. Yet, I get stuck. My thoughts go everywhere at once.

I have little bandwidth for relationship outside my immediate family. I want to be a part of community (I certainly miss my Nica Community something' fierce) but I don't have the emotional capacity to 'enter in.' Like many things, it takes time, I am learning.

As someone who depends on and needs order and routine, this transition gig is tough. It is yet another opportunity to lean hard into God. It is an opportunity to extend grace to myself and accept God's grace for the day. It is an opportunity to grow in flexibility and patience (with myself). It is an opportunity to LEARN TO ACCEPT THE PROCESS.  There are lessons to be learned in the process. There is growth in the process. There is BEAUTY in the process.

If this was too random or disorganized...I think it's because....OF TRANSITION. Just sayin'.